I feel like sometimes I should be at the moment where I just know. You know the big moment everyone talks about? Well I'm not there yet. Some days I wish I was though.
I keep having small moments where I know. Not big ones. But I know that a piece of me is missing here in Logan. A big one.
It's not big enough that it's stopped me in my tracks. But it's big enough. I forgot what distance felt like. How could I have forgotten what this feels like? This frustration of wanting to share and talk to and be with someone...but not really being able to. Not for three weeks.
Which in comparison to the two years I faced once doesn't seem like such a big deal. I keep trying to tell myself that. And yet I'm still in that pathetically weak state where I don't want to do anything. Where I just want work to be over so that I can curl up in my bed and watch a movie. Maybe eat some Phish Food while I'm at it.
But that's no good. I'm trying to eat healthier. My sore muscles keep reminding me that I shouldn't undo all the hard work I put in skiing on Saturday.
And the conversation with my parents that still weighs on my mind like a ton of bricks. Sometimes there's just no quick fix to things. Sometimes they just don't understand.
I will not be Desdemona. But I will also not be Cathy. Can I just be Elizabeth and get Mr. Darcy?
No comments:
Post a Comment