Monday, September 27, 2010

Bleeding by May Swenson

Stop bleeding said the knife

I would if I could said the cut.

Stop bleeding you make me messy with the blood.

I'm sorry said the cut.

Stop or I will sink in farther said the knife.

Don't said the cut.

The knife did not say it couldn't help it but

it sank in farther.

If only you didn't bleed said the knife I wouldn't

have to do this.

I know said the cut I bleed too easily I hate

that I can't help it I wish I were a knife like

you and didn't have to bleed.

Well meanwhile stop bleeding will you said the knife.

Yes you are a mess and sinking in deeper said the cut I

will have to stop.

Have you stopped by now said the knife.

I've almost stopped I think.

Why must you bleed in the first place said the knife.

For the same reason maybe that you must do what you

must do said the cut.

I can't stand bleeding said the knife and sank in farther.

I hate it too said the cut I know it isn't you it's

me you're lucky to be a knife you ought to be glad about that.

Too many cuts around said the knife they're

messy I don't know how they stand themselves.

They don't said the cut.

You're bleeding again.

No I've stopped said the cut see you are coming out now the

blood is drying it will rub off you'll be shiny again and clean.

If only cuts wouldn't bleed so much said the knife coming

out a little.

But then knives might become dull said the cut.

Aren't you still bleeding a little said the knife.

I hope not said the cut.

I feel you are just a little.

Maybe just a little but I can stop now.

I feel a little wetness still said the knife sinking in a

little but then coming out a little.

Just a little maybe just enough said the cut.

That's enough now stop now do you feel better now said the knife.

I feel I have to bleed to feel I think said the cut.

I don't I don't have to feel said the knife drying now

becoming shiny.

Gaff of the Day

It's official. I'm worse than Joe Biden.
Today I was talking on the phone to a sweet lady who told me that her daughter had just been married.
"Congratulations on your daughter getting married."
"She didn't married. She was murdered on August 10th."
"Oh....I am SO sorry."'s all the same right? Not.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Coming Full Circle

I remember back in high school sitting in newspaper. Mrs. Shelton had just showed us the beginning and end of Signs, and asked us how they tied together. Of course we talked about that for a second wondering how on earth Signs related back to journalism in any way. Then she explained to us that the reason we felt so complete at the end of this movie, was that it all came full circle at the end.
I've been reading a lot of realist works from the early days of American literature. For example, Daisy Miller: A Study, by Henry James, The Awakening by Kate Chopin, and Yellow Wallpaper by Susan Gilman. All good...all have a distinct flaw for me. They just end.
I guess I've been feeling like a piece of American Realist literature, kind of just ending. I'm still exhausted by work and school and things. But maybe I need to bring things more full circle now. Maybe that will help the confusion and other things in my life. Who knows? Worth a shot right?
Enough with the for a funny....
We were talking about the fashions of the Victorian Era etc. in my American literature class....and then Dr. Funda says...."Suddenly...the 1900s rolled around and OH MY GOSH....I can see her knees!" Apparently, back in the day...knees were sexy. Some of you might understand that joke.

Friday, September 17, 2010

Debating Reputation

I love my American Literature class. My dear professor, Evelyn Funda, is one of the most hilarious people I know. The class mostly consists of debating fictional character's reputations. Was James' Daisy Miller a slut? Some say yes, and others say no. So what do we do? We put her on trial.
We also sing the song, "Looking for Love in all the Wrong Places" during class. Only we change the words so we actually are singing "Looking for MEANING in all the Wrong Places" as we discuss Edna Pontiellier's mental state.
Yup, this is a good class.
Also just a short shout out to Mark who informed me of this gem:
"It literally took me like 10 minutes to find the game day shirts. I think I win the idiot of the day award." The actual mental image of Mark wandering around the bookstore looking for the game day shirts is what really makes this funny. For the record, the game day shirts are ALWAYS in the same spot. For at least the past 3 years. Just sayin.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Butt Juice

Mark Poole and I are best friends. The following story is why:
It was Labor Day and Mark was giving me a ride back up to Logan from Pleasant Grove, like the good friend he is. When he asked me for his help in pulling a great prank.
He and his sister and brother-in-law, Amy and Jake respectively, have a running joke about butt juice.
So Mark made his own. You'll have to ask him for the full recipe, but I'm pretty sure it went something like food coloring, water, garlic, and a myriad of other nasty things. He placed it in a Simply Grapefruit juice thing with ribbons and a really great bag.
So here's what we did. Amy and Jake have never really met me. So I decided to go knock on their door and introduce myself as a member of the Relief Society and present them with the bag.
Mark happened to know that the RS of their ward had been trying to track them down since they had recently moved in. So I went and knocked on the door.
Jake answered and I started talking, "Hi, my name is Kaitlyn(Yes Kait I stole your name.) from the Relief Society. I just wanted to drop this by and welcome you to the ward." I handed Jake the bag.
"Well thank you," Jake replied.
"You're welcome, sorry to drop by so late!" I said with a smile.
Jake nodded and seemed to be trying to get rid of me, "Not a problem. Thanks for coming by."
I was really really excited and started bounding down the steps to Mark feeling kind of nervous because I had just pulled off something as awesome as that. I, in my klutziness, started falling DOWN the stairs, but caught myself. Luckily.
Mark laughed. I think I might have punched him. Probably.
We sat there for a minute waiting for Jake to run out screaming at us because the tag said butt juice...and Mark had artfully used toilet paper instead of tissue paper.
Jake didn't so me and Mark went and knocked on the door. Jake just laughed. We visited and laughed about the situation, and then me and Mark continued on our way to Logan.
Good times.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

The boys have gone...CRAZY!

There's something kind of strange going on. It must be in the water. The boys have gone completely crazy.
No boys ever paid THIS much attention to me. I keep looking in the mirror wondering if I look slutty or something. I don' what IS going on?
Far too many boys have taken up confessing that they like me in a very short amount of time. It kind of blows my mind.
So what could be the explanation of this weirdness? The boys have gone crazy. Period.
Does this add confusion to my life? You betcha. Do I ever have anything good to say when this happens? Nope.
Some of the best lines...
"But I don't want to date you!"
"Are you sure you want to do that?"
"You're a little intense sometimes."

Why do these things come out of my mouth when stuff like this happens? It's just uncontrollable. My brain is just banging it's head against the wall screaming, "STUPID STUPID STUPID." It usually isn't until at least ten minutes later that I figure out I said something bad.

Friday, September 3, 2010

Quebec. May Swenson. Grammar. Croatia.

My professors are pretty dang funny...without really meaning to be. I appreciate these little gems none the less.

"The taxes from the rest of the provinces in Canada pay the welfare of Montreal," said a random boy in my class.
Professor Johnson, "Wow...that's awkward. No wonder Quebec didn't actually split from the rest of Canada. I kind of expected riots or something when the vote kept them as part of Canada. I was thinking come on people MAKE SOME NEWS. But least their cheese is better."

My literary analysis class is taught by Professor Crumbley. He's in love with May Swenson...a dead poet. At least I'm pretty sure the shrine inside the Ray B. West building was built by him. Plus he like fawned over her desk...and his hand lingered a little too long on her signature.
"Professor Crumbley? Why is May Swenson lying on a leopard print sheet on the cover of her book?"
Professor Crumbley....*crickets*.

Grammar is always pretty dang fun.
"Is expectably a word? I don't think so. This is why I'm your grammar professor."

And one last gem of the day:
Professor Johnson, "Suddenly Croatia decided they were going to declare their independence and Germany recognized them as a state immediately. We're kind of friends with Germany so we did too."

Oh education..gotta love it.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Taco Tuesday

I love Taco Tuesday. Not only does it bring the deliciousness of cheap Cafe Rio food, but yesterday it brought the fun that was Brad Francis.
My dear friend Brad is hands down one of the most hilarious people I know. And this was the first time we've ever hung out.
He brought his roommate Brady (?) along with him and that just added to the hilarity of the night.
There's just not the much to do while you're hungry and waiting in line for delicious food. If you don't keep each other laughing there's a huge possibility that your friend my decide to eat you. Not really, but when you can smell all the wonderful food and you have to wait in line for 30+ minutes, I'm sure it's a temptation for some.
After dropping Brad and Brady off...I tried to get everything into my apartment. I suck at this. I dropped my diet coke in my car...which spilled. So I had to clean that up. Then I locked my car and realized that somehow I had left the lights on.
So I had to unlock my car to turn off my lights and I dropped my ranch dressing on the asphalt.
Cafe Rio ranch is like gold. I was devastated.
Confession: I picked it up off the ground and still used it. Only some had squirted out.
Then I couldn't unlock my door to my apartment and Taylor had to come rescue me. I was going to try and make it to the outside movie...but I didn't.
It was somewhat frustrating, but still a good Taco Tuesday.