Flaws

Today I write this blog post with my drugged up dog laying on the floor by me. The poor thing had surgery today and keeps looking up and then passing back out again. It's strangely funny.
Well it's been no secret that my posts have been cryptic and different for a while now....but also few and far between.
This isn't because I don't love my dear neglected blog....but mostly due to the fact that while blogging is nice...all the posts I keep writing keep being filed away unpublished. I keep feeling like I need to live up to my English major status. That my writing has to be incredible or profound because everything I read is so incredible and profound.
Well I'm kind of done writing things to just decide they aren't good enough to live up to this idea of what I should be. Hemingway might balk at my humor....and Rand might not appreciate the sap factor of  some of my posts, but I figure if they had a blog...all of their posts wouldn't be incredible or profound. They weren't perfect either. Sometimes it's the flaws that are much more beautiful than any perfectly constructed sentence or misspelled word.
My absence has been a flaw as of late...where my blog is concerned at least. You see I've been out living....life keeps happening so fast. I think a part of me keeps waiting for life to go back to the 'normal' snapshot of my life that it decided is the norm. No matter how unvaried my routine becomes these days, I keep wondering when life will return to normal. What is normal anymore? Was it the security of high school? It surely isn't right now as I watch my friends' lives unfold and move in lightning speed past my own. This isn't a race, but I can't help but feel that I have been left behind by it all.
I still feel like that awkward 16 year old girl, who wrote songs in her spare time and had big dreams. I feel as though the older I become the less smart I become. When I was 16 I knew everything. I knew exactly what I wanted and how I was going to get there.
I'm 20 now...and I know I don't know anything about life. I'm not sure where all that knowledge I used to have came from, but I've become careful and calculating in everything I do. I used to be fearless. But maybe that is what growing up is. It's changing and realizing the exact day that you became stupid. Maybe at some point I'll reach the day where I know everything again, but until then I'm going to hold on to the absolutes of my life.
There are so many beautiful absolutes. Things I know beyond a shadow of a doubt. I know that if I hold on to these things life will work out no matter how fast I feel that it's going.
Life will continue to change and evolve. No day will be the same as another. As scared as I am of the future I know that I should be excited for it. There are some big things coming my way. It's time to let go of the past. Life is too amazing to waste it wishing for yesterdays.