Growing up...

So I got laid off in November. I thought I would be just fine. I would just get a new job like that right? Wrong.
The good news is that I did get a new job. At the Brick Oven no less. It'll get me through the next few months. Hopefully, I'll be able to get a job at Pinnacle in the spring and make a lot more money.
It's a weird feeling to be growing up. I applied for housing the other day, if that's not scary I don't know what is.
Applying for housing was a wake up call. I've got to have so much money and be able to take care of myself. It's a little overwhelming. I don't want to grow up.
Even harder while I'm going up to Logan, my best friend isn't going with me. I'm not exactly sure how I'm going to survive college without him. I'll be able to call him whenever I want to, but that's not quite the same as having him with me.
I'm trying not to think about this all too much. So much of me is screaming, "STAY!" Stay here, where life is familiar and I have my own bed and I don't have to worry...he'll be here too.
But I was never that girl. I was never that girl that would throw away all of her dreams for a boy. I was never that girl that was going to put her life on hold. I've never been that girl. I don't think I ever will be. If I stayed here I would have so many regrets. I know, no matter how much my heart is going to break, I've got to go to Logan. I've got to go and grow up and live my life.
Who knows? Maybe it will all work out in the end and not be nearly as bleak as I'm painting it.

Photomontage

I created this photomontage for Art 1010...

Here it is.

Gandolfos

AKA Gandies. All I can say is mmmmhmmmm good. We had an assembly today...so naturally we go to Gandies. I'm totally against our Student Council...AKA Stuco. So I boycott the assemblies. I am president of the IHJL club...I Hate Jake Lee. The school president....but if anyone asks it's I Hope Jimmy Lives. We're making t-shirts. Go us...
Anyways. It is a clear Thursday morning and Trevor and I are galavanting off to Gandies in high spirits since every other plan to escape the torture that is assemblies had failed. We arrived at the drive thru after jamming to some Chiodos, and got our breakfast sandwhiches. God better have a special place in heaven for Gandies otherwise I won't go...
I also bought my dress for preference. It's short and purple. Definitely classy. I'll try to get a picture up.

Laid Off

So I went into work yesterday. The company I work for was taken over by another. After working diligently for about 30 minutes the HR guy came and got me. I sat in the office with him and my boss. They told me they needed to let me go.
It sucked.
However...the company that took us over has contacted me and wants to interview me. So we'll see what happens with that. They're giving me a severance package, so I will still be making money till the end of next week. And after that I'm probably in trouble.
Time to go job hunting....AGAIN! Seems like whenever I get a really good job and love it things like this happen. Bankruptcy, taking over...good heavens I have bad luck. Or maybe it's just the security business.

Drop Out - The So Unknown - Jack's Mannequin

I'll give you this confession
I am taking you with me
Where we can contemplate our chemistry
And your eyes were lined with questions
With the blood rushing to waste
To take this feeling with us to our graves
To our graves
I get the feeling we're so misdirected
I get the feeling we have lost control
Til then I'll turn you to the new religion
We're dropping out into the so unknown
So unknown, yeah.
And we won't wake up on Sunday
So I'm building us a church
Where we can sleep in
With the gods at work
And our friends will write us letters
They'll never understand why we don't call
We're hiding out until the empire falls
Let it fall.
I get the feeling we're so misdirected
I get the feeling we have lost control
Til then I'll turn you to the new religion
We're dropping out into the so unknown
If we have lost control,
We're drifting slow
Into the so unknown
If we have lost control,
We're drifting slow
So we drop out
And I'll give you this confession,
I am taking you with me.
I get the feeling we're so misdirected
I get the feeling we have lost control
Til then I'll turn you to the new religion
We're dropping out into the so unknown
I get the feeling we got disconnected
I get the feeling we have lost control
Til then I'll turn you to the new religion
We're dropping out into the so unknown
You're so unknown, yeah.
We're so unknown.
The so unknown, yeah

Stupidity.

Alright, we're all guilty of stupidity, but sometimes it just goes way beyond ridiculous. My friend will not let drama over the summer go. She's ridiculous, and when we try to help her she won't listen to anyone but a person she says she can't trust. Either she's lying or her logic is seriously messed up. She has no idea what she wants. She just knows that she wants everything to be better, and yet she will not do anything to bring it about.
I'm done venting about my friend now. My weekend was amazing. Probably the best weekend ever. It's so strange how we can see the future and at the same time be surprised by it. I've never been so pleasantly surprised in my life. I came out of a relationship that really wasn't the best. There was little communication, no trust, and not a lot of emotion. Now things are good. I'm trying really hard to communicate with him and it works wonders.
I really should have communicated from the beginning. But each relationship we have is to teach us something right? I'm learning quite a bit right now. I'm learning to trust. To laugh. Everything is different now. But it's a good different. I can't even tell you how amazing it is. Sure I'm probably just viewing the world through rose colored glasses right now, but it just seems like everything has aligned for this. This is the way things are supposed to be.
Hooby Ho, Let's Go! ----- (I'm a nerd, that's a quote from the Pendragon books which I highly recommend)

Happy Halloween!

For Halloween this year I am Angela Martin from The Office (on left). It's pretty much awesome. My hair is pulled back and I'm all dressed up. I even have an engagement ring since I'm engaged to Andrew Bernard.
Anyways PG plays Brighton today in the State football tournament. Mangle a Bengal...Brighton your day! We're going to win.
Tonight I'm going to a friend's house to watch a scary movie. It should be interesting as it will be the first time two of my friends really hang out after tons of drama. If one of them even shows up....Let me tell you how dumb drama is. Oh and tomorrow Tyson and I are going back up to nightmare on 13th which I highly recommend. I also recommend Hee Haws Night Terrors. The scary thing up there is AWESOME! It totally scared both me and Tyson. Well have a Happy Halloween!

My new phone..for reals!

So pretty much I couldn't get my blackberry. Here's why. I don't have internet access on my plan. And my parents didn't want to pay for it. And Blackberry REQUIRES that you have internet. So I didn't get my Blackberry.
Instead I got the Samsung Rant. Which I actually like better believe it or not. It's black with a metallic blue outline. It plays music, has a slidey keyboard, and a BIG screen. I love it lots.
I still need a screen protector for it, I still have the little screen thing on it that came with it. It has writing on it and it is REALLY annoying.
Oh and my school is making weird noises as I'm in the writing lab. Oh and also I already used my 160 sheets of paper that I'm allotted. I'm in here too much.

Prop 8

Alright let me tell you a little bit about what I think on this. First of all people saying that temples will close if Prop 8 doesn't pass is completely false.
In this country we have a little thing called RELIGIOUS FREEDOM. Temples and LDS owned land in California may lose some tax benefits at the very most, but no religion is required to recognize same-sex marriage as moral and will NEVER be required to marry them as long as our U.S. Constitution remains intact.
Next lie, children will be required to learn about same-sex marriage and will be told that it is equal to traditional marriage.
No child is ever required to learn things regarding health or family life in California. If it is going to be taught parents have the right to pull their child from that class. It may be taught, but only going as far as to say the financial consequences and responsibilities of being married.
I for one would vote NO on Prop 8, even though The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints supports it. I feel that marriage should be available to everyone. If we take individual freedoms away just because of someone's sexual orientation, what will be taken away next?

New Phone

I have been waiting patiently for 2 years for a new phone. My poor pink Katana is on it's last legs. The front is excessively scratched, the back is cracked and broken in several places, and if you hold it upside down it opens on its own.
So naturally this month we were eligible for an upgrade. YAY!
I was looking at the phones. The LG Rumor was cool and so was this one Samsung one...but I finally decided on a BlackBerry. I figured since I'll have it for about 2 years I might as well go top of the line right?
So $200 dollars later...OUCH! I need to work 20 hours to work that one off. There is a mail in rebate...So once I get my phone I'll have to get that taken care of. And it won't hurt so bad then.
By the time I get this phone I think I'll be electronicly sound...and probably good for about 2 weeks when they come out with something cooler.

Me. I'm back.

Last week was bad. If I've ever come close to absolute darkness and depression that was definitely it. I felt as though my tiny little world had just imploded.
Kaitlyn used to call me Rapunzel. It was as if I let the prince up in the tower and he turned out to be a suicide bomber...my tower blew up. I found a new one and I cut my hair. But did that really make it better? To just give up on life? Meaning? Love?
It didn't make it better. So I bought some good CDs and cried a bit. Sometimes you need that. A few onion rings later(they're my comfort food...weird i know), I'm better. I'm back in the game, my injury didn't last long.
I'm back to me. Back to happiness. Back to where I'm supposed to be. I firmly believe everything happens for a reason, and even when you feel you can't get out of your slump. You can. I'm a lot stronger than I thought I was. Sure it's going to ache for a while. That's just what happens. Like Jack's Mannequin says, "Swim." Don't simply tread water. Swim.
Swimming implies you are moving. You're moving towards something. For me I'm making some goals, I need to get back on track.

1. Be happy for you, not anyone else.
2. Get YW award...
3. Keep up your musical projects.

That's all I've got so far. But I'll keep swimming.

Long Time No See

Pretty much the last post was totally emo and I haven't written for 3 months. What does that look like? It looks like I'm committing suicide or something. Sorry about that. Here are some theme songs for me right now...

Jack's Mannequin - Crashin
I wanna hear some music
Now that they're driving
us all underground
Not the radio music, or their
satellite singing this
In this town, in this town

I wanna hear some music
And with the rock stars
all flicker and fade
Power radio music, I'm a
ghost overground
On, on parade

And even if your voice comes back again
Maybe they'll be no one listening
And even if I find the
strength to stand
Doesn't mean I won't go missing
And the world will come
Crashing

I wanna hear some music
I have been waiting down
here for so long
Trying to write this big music,
With your breath on my face
But now, now you're gone

And even if your voice comes back again
Maybe they'll be no one listening
And even if I find the
strength to stand
Doesn't mean I won't go missing
And the world will come,
Crashing
[ Find more Lyrics at www.mp3lyrics.org/Jlzc ]

And the whole world comes
Down, down-wards
And all the water on this broken town
The freeway's just like
veins without a heart

And the world just comes
Crashing

And the whole world comes
Crashing

And even if your voice comes back again
Maybe they'll be no one listening
And even if I find the
strength to stand
Doesn't mean I won't go on

And even if your voice comes back again
Maybe they'll be no one listening
And even if you find the
strength to stand
It doesn't mean you won't go missing

And the world will come
Crashing

And the words will come
Crashing

And the music comes
Crashing

Down on me
Down on me

And the words will come
Crashing

And the words will come
Crashing

Down on me
So down on me...

Motion City Soundtrack - Even If It Kills Me
I’ve got a lotta things to do tonight
I’m so sick of making lists
Of things I’ll never finish
I’ve lived here for the last 12 years
Since early 1995 all my shit has been in boxes
But if I had a little more time to kill
I’d settle every little stupid thing
Yeah you’d think that I would

But I’m too tired to go to sleep tonight
And I’m too weak to follow dreams tonight
For the first time in a long time I can say
That I want to try to get better and
Overcome each moment
In my own way

I wonder if I’ll ever lose my mind
I tried hard for awhile
But then I kind of gave up
Winter is killer when the sun goes down
I’m really not as stubborn as I seem
Said the knuckle to the concrete

But I’m too tired to go to sleep tonight
And I’m too weak to follow dreams tonight
For the first time in a long time I can say
That I want to try to get better and
Overcome each moment
In my own way

I’m not saying that I’m giving up
I’m just trying not to think
As much as I used to
Cause never is a lonely little messed up word
Maybe I’ll get it right some day
For the first time in a long time I can say
That I want to try
I feel helpless for the most part
But I’m learning to open my eyes
And the sad truth of the matter is
I’ll never get over it
But I’m gonna try
To get better and overcome each moment
In my own way

I sure want to get back on track
And I’ll do whatever it takes
Even if it kills me

Insomnia

I can't sleep lately.
I worry too much.
I cry so hard I give myself ear aches and head aches.
And then I want to go to sleep even more.
But I can't.
The pain won't go away.
The morning rays shine through my window,
Somehow I am still alive.
Somehow I survived the night.
I get up and live my life,
But when I lay my head back down again sleep won't come.
I know that eventually exhaustion will claim me,
And I'll sink into a dreamless sleep.
Until I hear the words to end this, my insomnia,
I will lie awake. Here.

Stressed Out

This week has been unbearable. As of sunday things were working out pretty well for me, and then after school on Monday I found out some of my friends knew some things they shouldn't. One because I didn't tell them and really only told around 5 people NOT including them, and two because everyone was entirely sworn to secrecy so I hadn't worried about it. So pretty much through a crappy turn of events and bad luck a lot of people know stuff they shouldn't about stuff.
I tried to fix it, I called up the people who knew and explained that it wasn't any of their business to know about it and that I had never planned on telling them. Things seem to be pretty much worked out with a few people. But sometimes some of my friends are so immature. I pretty much came home from school and gave into the tears I had been fighting all through school.
It's not fair. I was smart I didn't tell many people and the only people I did was more for advisory purposes because I had questions. Why is it everyone found out just because of one person? So now I feel dumb and yet I'm trying to just put on a brave face and deal with it. That is so much easier said than done though. It's hard to just deal when you're dying to run away, just get away from parts of this. And even though someone else is involved I somehow feel so alone in this. Like none of it is directed at him. Which also doesn't seem fair, and at the same time I don't want him to deal with it. I would rather me just have to bear it all.
I'm lost.

Office Season Finale

Wow...just wow. I was so happy, Jim was going to propose to Pam..and then Andy freaking ruined it all. And what's up with Jan being pregnant? So of course Michael will go running to her and not to Holly...who thinks Kevin is retarded. Which was arguably the best part of that episode. Poor Pam. Now Angela is engaged and macking on Dwight which we all knew was going to happen and she doesn't really want to be married to Andy. Will Phyllis tell or will she keep it quiet? Ryan is going to jail for FRAUD! And Pam is going to New York. If her and Jim break up over the three month long gap I WILL DIE!
BJ Novak is a genius.
I am hopelessly addicted.

CRT Testing...

This test was one of those duh tests. Like DUH you omit the sentence that isn't consistent with the paragraph because it randomly talks about poodles in a paragraph about german sheperds. Come on. Welcome english 11. This is why I take english honors, I'm trying to get a challenge or something. What a joke. The only challenge I'm likely to see is when I finally get to AP English next year.
I finished all three sections, roughly 25 questions each, in one freakin day. Meaning that I can screw around on the internet all I want for the next 2 days. It ought to be a good time.

Prom, need I say more?

Prom is 13 days away. I have my dress, my shoes, someone to do my hair, and I'll take care of the whole guy's flower thing next week. But I can't help but feel utterly unprepared. It's probably because my dress still needs to be hemmed and I can't walk in my stillettos to save my life.
I vacuumed in my stillettos today. I was trying really hard not to fall off of them. I'm glad to report I didn't but my feet are screaming at me. Oh well. The things us girls do for guys.
My dress is fuschia. I think that's how it's spelled. My brother calls it hot pink...but it's not. I love the dress, but I'm not sold on the color. There's this look the people at the dress place get when you try on the perfect dress, usually you know that it's perfect too. This was the 8th dress I tried on, I'm thinking they were all acting because I walked in front of the huge mirror and they all like simultaneously had the face on and told me it was the one.
With some bribing on my mother's part...half the cost of the dress, roughly 150 dollars. I bought it. And now I have a pink dress. Which I have to admit I'm excited to wear the dress, but I am so scared of the color. Can I even pull off that color? I feel utterly naked in that dress, which is completely modest. Too late now, they only have a 3 day return policy. Here goes nothing.

Senior Year....not looking too shabby...

Ok so I'm not screwed over on 3 credits...just 1 which happens to be 2 classes I'm taking online right now. So I pretty much figure I'm good to go. WAHOO! My schedule is pretty alright too. I have 3 AP classes, but a bunch of fun ones too. Which like NEVER happens for me.
My Schedule:
A1 Newspaper both semesters
A2 Art 1010 and then Popular Lit.
A3 AP English both semesters
A4 Photo 1 and then Aerobics
B1 AB Calculas AP
B2 Art 1010 and then Foods 2
B3 Seminary
B4 AP Government
Um only 3 hard classes. And AP Gov. won't be that bad because it's with Merrill and she's the coolest! And I have Shelton like a ton...too much Shelton hahaha jk. She's awesome too! I really don't want to do Aerobics though. It just seems lame. Why is pe credit required anyways. I took biology for heavens sake I shouldn't need to hear anything else about my body or anyone elses for that matter. But for the most part I'm excited. This is looking good!

Senior Year.....YIKES!

Holy crap. We're setting up our senior year. I have so many classes I have to do too. And I can't believe we're almost at the end of the whole public schooling experience. Time flies ridiculously fast.
I feel a little insignificant to tell you the truth. And I'm pretty much screwed over for graduating on like 3 credits. Yeah that's going to be interesting.
This year class sign ups are online, making all the tryouts and everything all happen...now. Which is such a pain. So student council just happened early this year too. Pretty much our president is an idiot and I only like a fourth of the people on there. It was rigged. So I've decided to screw all the assemblies and stuff. I don't care at this point.
A bunch of my friends tried out for chamber choir. A few that didn't make it cried and stuff. One girl who lost student council elections and isn't on it didn't make chamber too. It's really really sad. I think that in all seriousness she will have a mental breakdown.
Heather is strong. Her seminary teacher thinks she's suicidal. Which is pretty much a joke. He even made her the "ROLL TAKER" like officially just to make her feel special. I just laugh. What a mess.
I can already feel that next year...is going to be a mess...but hey Veronica Mars(that's just to make heather feel like she is needed) goes to our school. How bad could it be?

Why do bad things happen to good people?

So this week my friend told me her parents are seperating. What are you supposed to say to that? She has got to be one of the best people ever, so I was suprised. Why do things like divorce happen? I thought temple marriage was supposed to be permanent.
It got me thinking. Especially because just a week before my newspaper advisor shared some information with me about my super close guy friend's parents' divorce. It was a part of it I had never heard, and it hit me how hard the whole thing must have been. And he is seriously one of the most amazing people I know. Why did this happen to them? I'm nowhere near where they are spiritually, and they seem to be so much more good than me. Shouldn't this have happened to me not them.
I talked to my really close guy friend about it. And he said trials people have make or break them. All amazing people you will ever meet had a trial that made them so.
So all amazing people aren't just amazing...and even if they are their trials make them so much more amazing.
In seminary I read the story of Job. Job was targeted because of his faith and Satan thought he could break him. But Job never wavered. Job was an example to all...and even through all of his trials, he lost everything, he stayed firmly planted in his good ways.
Bad things happen to good people because Heavenly Father loves them. He just wants them to be so much the better for everything. He never tests us beyond what we can withstand.
It's like climbing a rock wall (I'm also a rock climber). You choose a level you know you can do. But it always seems half way up the wall you start to think it's too hard. Sometimes we don't trust the rope. But if we will only try and know that we will be caught we can make it to the top. And when you get to the top you feel amazing. Because you knew you endured through it. Christ is our rope, even when we fall short he catches us and helps us reach ever higher.
If we are constantly doing the easy walls, we will never get better at climbing. We must attempt the ones that test us. Heavenly Father understands this. Bad things happen to good people to make them better people.

Blog...

I just created this blog so this is my welcome to myself. I'm pretty excited to begin this whole journey. I'm totally inspired by Constantly Christina(google it and it will pull up) she's my friend and hers is amazing...so I hope that by some miracle I can make mine somewhat to the level that hers is.
A little about me, I am a music junkie. My friends call me the living jukebox because I pretty much know every song most of the time. Which is cool most of the time. I'm also a writer, hence the blog. I'll be editor in chief next year of my school newspaper and it ought be pretty dang exciting.
I live in a small town. Like a big small town in a bubble in Utah I'll call it Mormonville here. So welcome to my life. Blogging world here I come...