Yeah I Just Did That.

Welcome to Your Wedding Day by the Airborne Toxic Event is on my reception playlist. So is Metallica. It is my wedding after all.

Can You Believe It?

11 Days until I marry the man of my dreams!
Finals are over. Survived and didn't kill my GPA....Hooray!
I have a lot of Christmasing to do too....plus lots of wedding stuff.
So glad I'm not trying to do all of this AND school right now.
*Sigh*
11 days.

On Motivation

School is over for the semester in a week. Somehow this fact is not motivating me to do my homework. I'm going to chalk that up to the fact I worked for seven hours today, but really it's no excuse.
Can my homework please do itself?

Dancing for Joy

One month. That's right folks...one more month and then I'm going to be married. It's strange.
Two weeks until I am officially done with this semester.
Two Stories that need revising before next Thursday.
One presentation on Thursday.
One lesson to teach next Wednesday.
One final paper.
And one very stressed out Mikayla.
Bring it on.

Giddy

Because Kaitlyn takes pictures behind my photographers back at my bridals that make me stop stressing about the photos. If it looks good on her camera phone I KNOW it is going to look amazing when I get the photos back.
Now it feels real. I cannot wait for December 29th.

Engagements (These make me want to dance for joy!)

half. slash. plus.

Professors are a different species from the rest of us, you see they have not evolved enough to figure out the beauty of rounded numbers. I'm just a little OCD when it comes to things like my grades. Far too often I get my grades back and I'm a little confused.
For example, my teaching literature professor marked on of my papers with a check/minus mark. This was disturbing as our syllabus did not indicate what this meant. My dear friend Barbara Jean also got that same thing on her paper. We asked our professor, as good English students do, what it meant. She laughed and said it wasn't bad enough for a minus but not good enough for a check. We walked away still confused.
Second example, my American Political Though professor gave me 46.5/50. A half? There were no notes on my test indicating where I had missed any points at all...he just wrote good job and gave me a score. Would it have been that hard to have it a nice round number? Preferably 47? Apparently so.
And lastly and most ridiculously Dr. Siporin, my strange folklore professor who has an affinity for graveyards (I have seen this firsthand), gave me 4/5 on my quiz. Which was fine, but then he put on it, "You missed half of question 2, but it shows you read the chapter so a +" and he drew a line up the letter grade he slapped on it and but a B+ next to it. Don't worry, the score in his computer didn't change he just felt like making me feel better.

No Longer Unique

When your photographer emails you to tell you that your photos are done but also tells you that you owe $128 and you email her back to find out what that is for....and you find out that she emailed the WRONG Mikayla. Your images actually aren't done, but on the bright side you don't actually owe $128.
My name has ceased to be unique.

Dear Henry David Thoreau, You Suck

Remember this guy? Yeah well I have yet another class from Dr. Crumbley. Instead of fawning over a dead lesbian poet he fawns over Henry David Thoreau like you wouldn't believe.
In class I said that I thought Thoreau was a jerk and Dr. Crumbley took it as a personal offense. Thoreau was a jerk though, I'm not kidding. Dr. Crumbley on the other hand seems to think that Thoreau is the greatest. You know besides his affinity for dead lesbian writers (i.e. May Swenson, Willa Cather, Edith Wharton, and Gertrude Stein). If you don't believe me you can just google him then you can see all the books he's written about them.
I do not like this man. Unless you hadn't figured that out. But don't worry about his strange love of dead lesbian writers, I'm pretty sure his wife is in love with Shakespeare too. I guess they make a good pair.
But back to the point. Thoreau was a HUGE jerk. In fact, he even calls out people in his books saying, "You're too poor to actually own my book so you probably stole it." Not exactly in those words, but he pretty much said that on page 8 of Walden.
So glad we've moved on to Muir, he was a little prideful, but at least admitted it.

On Progress

I feel like I've been doing a lot of complaining lately about how overwhelmed I am or how freaked I'm getting. I wrote up a bunch of posts that I just couldn't bring myself to actually publish.
Not because they weren't real, or raw enough. But because in the sea of taffeta and wedding colors and photography and outfits and tables...I lost sight of why we go through all of this.
We had engagements on Sunday. I got my hair and my makeup done and I was just so stressed over them. I wanted them to be perfect and to look as good as all the pictures you see and I wanted to look good and all that jazz.
When we got in front of the camera it was so calm and relaxed. Just having someone tell us exactly what to do every step of the way was so refreshing. When you get engaged nobody hands you a manual that will teach you how to plan a wedding and everything you need. I'm sure "Planning a Wedding for Dummies" exists, but I'm still not sure it would really help.
No one can really tell you exactly what you want at your wedding, even though everyone sure tries. It gets to the point where you just have to make the decisions you want to make and consult with people later. That way you don't lose your mind entirely.
I definitely understand why people (outside of Utah) tend to use an entire year to plan their wedding. It makes sense to do it that way, but I think it would be so hard to wait that long to see everything materialize. The closer it gets I start getting giddy and the excitement is sinking in.
We're just figuring out the last of the details at this point. I feel like we have this light at the end of the tunnel waiting for us. Just two more months.

Stress....

I thought I had it all figured out. I had a picture of what I thought everything was going to look like and I was alright with it. But then inevitably someone comes up with a better idea and I'm stuck there thinking to myself that this is all changing very quickly.
We tried to find an apartment. Correction. Amy tried to find an apartment for us. (Which was extremely helpful seeing as she's done this whole shebang before and knows just how stressful it is.) Well we're apparently too on top of things. Because none of the apartments are currently interested in people who want to move in December. Oh well.
Then there's trying to figure out the catering for the reception and the decorations so on and so forth. You're probably really sick of my ranting about wedding stuff by now but it has literally consumed my life.

Please excuse me while my brain explodes.

Between planning a wedding....going to school....and working almost thirty hours a week...my brain is ready to explode. I'm still not sure what everyone is going to be wearing....how I should do my hair....what my bouquet will look like etc.
You see I've never really been one of those girls who fantasizes about this type of thing. When I got engaged I had been practical, I had researched so I wouldn't feel SO overwhelmed, but I didn't have this great plan in my head.
I kind of wish I had. Everyone keeps asking me what I want. I wish I knew....My response is usually....what do you think will look good.
I am a little lost in a sea of bridal magazines, photo links and questions.
(One small squeal dance around the room moment, however, I did find THE dress. Yep, it's hanging in my closet right now. And I may or may not try it on more than I ought.)

Confession.

I am hopelessly addicted to wedding blogs.
And Pinterest is the great evil.

Wedding Plans

Temple? Check.
Reception Venue? Check.
Cake? Check.
Photographer? Check.
Colors? Check.
I have only been engaged 2 weeks. I am on top of things. Just saying. Now I can do my little happy dance that I got the photographer I've been stalking since.....Febraury (Don't judge.) and a beautiful reception venue.
Is it December yet?

The Story of Us [The real beginning]

On Saturday I woke up far too early for a Saturday. I had to work, and when I went out to my car it was covered in ring pops.
Just a quick side note: Mark and I have always had this recurring joke that he was going to try to weird my roommates out by proposing to me with a ring pop asking me to be his ski buddy.
It was obvious that the ring pops were from him. So I pulled them off my car and went to work. About halfway through work Ashley came over and brought me a bucket full of ring pops with a note that said, "Will you....." and then when you unfolded the note the bottom part read, "Please return the container when empty. Thanks."
I chuckled a little because I knew Mark was messing with me as best he could. Needless to say work seemed to last forever.
After work Mark came and picked me up because we were going on a hike. Upon opening the car door I discovered my seat was entirely covered in ring pops. At this point I was getting just a smidge annoyed at the ring pops and his teasing so I threw them in the back of the car.
Mark drove us to Alta and when we got out of the car we hiked up to Sugarloaf lift. When we arrived he asked if I wanted to sit on the lift chair, which I of course did and we took some pictures. Then Mark said, "One more thing..." and pulled out a handful of ring pops from his backpack.
I was thinking to myself enough with the ring pops! And then he pulled out a wooden box, opened it up and said, "Will you marry me?"
It took my brain a second to register exactly what was going on. You see I had specifically told Mark not to order the ring I wanted it, as it was a ring I had custom designed, well not one to listen or wait for me to even tell him for sure I wanted to marry him...Mark had ordered the ring. My ring. I was in shock that he even had the ring and what followed was a string of nonsense, "What? How did you do this? How did you get that? Wh-How...when?"
Mark laughed at me and asked, "Are you going to give me an answer?"
I stopped for a second and realized I hadn't actually said yes, "Well....yes! But how did you do that???"
Mark had ordered the ring on August 10th so that it was ready by a small miracle when he proposed. Mark successfully fooled me. But I honestly didn't mind.

We're getting married on December 29th. And this is just the beginning of our story.

Changes

It seems like everything familiar in my life has kind of gone out the window. It makes life hard when there is so little that is familiar.
Even the things I never thought would change did.
Some of the changes are good, but some are going to be very hard to adjust to and some changes are very exciting and make me do a little happy dance.
The only constant thing in life is change I suppose, but I feel like there are a lot of changes happening all at once.
There's not always an easy way to deal with change, but everyone has to. Life is about adapting.

"Any change, even a change for the better, is always accompanied by drawbacks and discomforts."
- Arnold Bennett

Things we'd rather not speak of....

I have a dog. Her name is Ginger.
She's dying.
Today my mom called to tell me that the vet had finally found something wrong with her...we've been to two in the last couple of weeks.
She stopped eating on Sunday.
If she doesn't stabilize by Friday we have to make a very hard decision.

The Beast

On the second day of school I re-discovered the BEAST. I seriously thought taking a class from her wouldn't be nearly as bad as I remembered it.
Oh wait....I'm stupid. It totally is just as bad as I remembered it. In fact it was a lot the same as I remembered it.
Plus I saw the people in that class and was reminded why I am not a creative writing major. Because I am only mostly weird, not completely weird. No wonder people think I'm crazy for being an English major....

"My syllabus is a contract, if you show up to class on Thursday I will assume you have agreed to this contract...."
Like I said. This lady....BEAST!

The Story of Us [Part Six]

Our relationship has always been easy, we never have to think about it. It's always just worked for us. I thought being in a relationship might be weird for the both of us, but what I quickly discovered, was that it was just a great extension of our already strong friendship.
On our first actual date we went to a corn maze, and we got in big trouble for cutting through the corn. But everyone else was doing it....For the record that maze was built stupid.
For Halloween we went to Rock Haus and rock climbed. I don't particularly like rock climbing...I like it more now then I used to....but that was a great date. You always amaze me by how much you can do. Your upper body strength is incredible.
For my birthday you made me a quilt, which I loved. And for Valentine's Day we basically recreated our first date.
I think one of the things I like the best about us is how similar we are, in ways we never expect. I'm sure as life continues on we will find more ways we are similar that make us laugh because we thought we were the only ones weird enough to do those things.
I like that you take charge when we're shopping, and you carry all the heavy things and you want to do that. I like that you take care of me and that you know things I need often before I do, and you just take care of it all.
I'm still not sure how time with you can feel like a lifetime and yet only a few days.

Explanations

Oh what a wonderful thing.
Now it's just a matter of time. Keep posted.

The Story of Us [Part Five]

It was kind of funny how things began to fall into place...with another boy. Not you. There was a bit of a weird energy going on between us.
I liked confiding in you. It was safe, and you're so great at giving advice and sometimes knowing just when to listen. So I confided in you about this boy. It was nice because I didn't have to worry about you judging or interpreting things wrong. We were just friends. Or so I thought.
It was labor day weekend. You were giving me a ride back to PG and I was going to go to Sniagrab. You looked at me in the car and you told me that you liked me. I was so mad at you. I had just been telling you about how things were so confusing in my love life and you had the gall to tell me you liked me. I remember throwing it right back at you saying, "I think you're cool and all, I just don't want to date you." You back pedaled so fast. You told me you didn't really want to date me either and all of these things. And I asked you what you were looking for in telling me you liked me. You said you didn't know. I could tell I had hurt your feelings, but most of me didn't care because I was just so mad at you.
I dreaded riding back with you that Monday, I didn't want it to be awkward. I needed you as a friend. I said some more really ridiculous things and I'm not really sure if I remember what they were. But they weren't true. Because by that point I knew I was just scared of telling you how I really felt. Which was that I liked you too, but I didn't want to.
I know what we said. But we didn't really act like we had said it. We hung out quite a bit, doing homework, watching movies and going to football games. Do you remember that football game where we stood close together because that guy kept putting his butt into you? I do....I remember feeling the electricity and how close we were. It was strange, and new and exciting. And then we spent the rest of the night on opposite ends of my couch watching a movie.
Do you remember the first time we hugged? It seems like such a little thing, but we were very much no contact. That was a big step. Albeit an awkward one. 
We were quite silly. But then there was one night, while things were already slowly changing for us, where I really needed you. I had just dealt with a lot emotionally. I was freaking out. I called you, and told you I needed you. I met you at your apartment and cried my eyes out.
You were such a gentleman, but I was so scared I had freaked you out. But you were patient and way more concerned about making sure I was happy. And then it kind of clicked for us. And that was when our relationship began.
The next day I got a text from you, "Are we dating now? Because I don't just cuddle with friends like that." I remember I was getting ready for school when you said that and I laughed. Best DTR talk ever.

On moving forward....

Sometimes I wish moving forward was more like time, slowly and consistently moving forward without any coaxing or pushing. Time moves effortlessly and without thought for anyone or anything.
A good friend of mine once said, "Time stops for no one, not even love." I interpreted that once upon a time to mean that time would move forward regardless of whether or not there was a deadline on your love. I see it more meaning that time doesn't stop just so we can figure our feelings out. Even if we feel like everything else in our lives are put on hold, time doesn't stop for love. Love continues and moves in ways that are unpredictable and are occasionally beautiful disasters.
Sometimes people leave our lives, and we feel as though our world will stop without them there. But it doesn't. We still continue to exist. Maybe that's telling of what that person meant to us. But maybe we're just stronger than we realize.
Letting go is hard, but holding on is harder. Holding on causes more pain to all involved. I didn't want to be that girl anymore. The one who selfishly held on as long as she could because she didn't want any bridges burnt. Letting go, closing that chapter of your life is hard. It is sad. It might make you cry, but the feeling of being free from every part of that which was holding you back makes it all worth it.
So lets push through this last bit of not knowing, the last bit of limbo. We're close.

Is that gluestick on my dress? Why yes it is.

My mother being in the primary presidency means that when they are completely out of ideas for someone who can sub a class I usually get asked to help out. I really don't mind, I plan on being a teacher anyways so it's worth it to me to go and do it a little.
Today I was asked to sub for the Sunbeams. I'm going to back up a little bit before I get into all of that though.
Megan and I first went to our singles ward...since I needed to pick up my recommend from Bishop Farnsworth anyways. We arrived a little early, seeing as we had to leave early to make it to our home ward. At that point I got a panicked phone call from my mom.
You see when I had pulled the Sunbeam manual out of the car the night before there was a picture frame of Jesus on top of it. I had already read through the lesson online and it seemed to me that the person I was subbing for had included that for the lesson. It did actually go with the lesson so it didn't seem like that much of a stretch.
The panicked phone call from my mother was because she could not find the picture of Jesus a little boy in the ward was supposed to be handed on the stand because he had just been baptized. I had accidentally stolen Jesus. So after figuring out a rendezvous point and being about 10 minutes late to my church....I got her the picture of Jesus in the nick of time.
Do you see how well the day was going so far? Well it went about that well during singing time and the lesson with the Sunbeams. They were running around and changing seats. The girls just wanted to sit on Megan's lap. Poor Megan, I had kind of been made aware of what I signed up for....Megan was just the friend that was awesome enough to come brave it with me. The kids were awfully cute.....just pretty much out of control.
We went on a walk....which was fine, except the kids kept trying to take off....and we made hippopotamus puppets that the kids chase each other around the room with.
And I have glue stick on my dress.
I'm going to count it as a success.

The Story of Us [Part Four]

I needed you so much more than I ever realized that spring. Tensions with roommates made life really difficult for me. It didn't help that the strain of another relationship coming to a close was really getting at me. I needed someone to be there for me, who I could complain to about everything, without being worried it would get back to someone or that you'd judge me.
You were that perfect person. Our friendship was the source of tension in my current relationship. It's because everyone sees things long before I do. But I was starting to think about you again....about possibilities. I was never interested in doing anything but I was thinking about all the possibilities that would open up to me when he left.
But then we had another stumbling block on the way. You were in desperate need of a job. I tried to get you one at Pinnacle which backfired. It brought out the worst in both of us. We were both wrong in some aspect.
After that, I swore I would never date you. I said there was no chance of an us. But then he left. Once back in Logan I found myself in need of a friend again, and there you were.
We met up in the Eccles Science Building, in my very favorite spot. We caught up, it was so good to see you. I was really concerned with whether or not you thought my new outfit was cute, or if you thought I looked good. But you did say it was good to see me. That's a lot more than you ever said before. I smiled to myself when you said that because I was thinking, Well, it's a start.

Have you hugged your belayer today?

This was my weekend. Bruised knees, scraped arm, cut back and sore arms were my weekend. It was oh so worth it.

I hate....

The feeling you get when it feels like everyone knows something you don't.

Mumford and Sons

Words of wisdom:
"Roll away your stone, I’ll roll away mine
Together we can see what we will find
Don’t leave me alone at this time,
For I'm afraid of what I will discover inside
Cause you told me that I would find a hole,
Within the fragile substance of my soul
And I have filled this void with things unreal,
And all the while my character it steals
Darkness is a harsh term don’t you think?
And yet it dominates the things I see
It seems that all my bridges have been burned,
But you say that’s exactly how this grace thing works."
-Roll Away Your Stone

Flaws

Today I write this blog post with my drugged up dog laying on the floor by me. The poor thing had surgery today and keeps looking up and then passing back out again. It's strangely funny.
Well it's been no secret that my posts have been cryptic and different for a while now....but also few and far between.
This isn't because I don't love my dear neglected blog....but mostly due to the fact that while blogging is nice...all the posts I keep writing keep being filed away unpublished. I keep feeling like I need to live up to my English major status. That my writing has to be incredible or profound because everything I read is so incredible and profound.
Well I'm kind of done writing things to just decide they aren't good enough to live up to this idea of what I should be. Hemingway might balk at my humor....and Rand might not appreciate the sap factor of  some of my posts, but I figure if they had a blog...all of their posts wouldn't be incredible or profound. They weren't perfect either. Sometimes it's the flaws that are much more beautiful than any perfectly constructed sentence or misspelled word.
My absence has been a flaw as of late...where my blog is concerned at least. You see I've been out living....life keeps happening so fast. I think a part of me keeps waiting for life to go back to the 'normal' snapshot of my life that it decided is the norm. No matter how unvaried my routine becomes these days, I keep wondering when life will return to normal. What is normal anymore? Was it the security of high school? It surely isn't right now as I watch my friends' lives unfold and move in lightning speed past my own. This isn't a race, but I can't help but feel that I have been left behind by it all.
I still feel like that awkward 16 year old girl, who wrote songs in her spare time and had big dreams. I feel as though the older I become the less smart I become. When I was 16 I knew everything. I knew exactly what I wanted and how I was going to get there.
I'm 20 now...and I know I don't know anything about life. I'm not sure where all that knowledge I used to have came from, but I've become careful and calculating in everything I do. I used to be fearless. But maybe that is what growing up is. It's changing and realizing the exact day that you became stupid. Maybe at some point I'll reach the day where I know everything again, but until then I'm going to hold on to the absolutes of my life.
There are so many beautiful absolutes. Things I know beyond a shadow of a doubt. I know that if I hold on to these things life will work out no matter how fast I feel that it's going.
Life will continue to change and evolve. No day will be the same as another. As scared as I am of the future I know that I should be excited for it. There are some big things coming my way. It's time to let go of the past. Life is too amazing to waste it wishing for yesterdays.

Sore.

You would think that a full day of boating, wakeboarding and rock climbing would do you good.
I'm sure my metabolism is loving it...my muscles on the other hand are not.
It doesn't really help that I'm a little sunburnt as well. Bring on the Ocean Potion Lotion.

The Story Of Us [Part Three]

I was sitting in my geography class in Logan when I saw your email. It was completely unexpected but nice to get an apology. Maybe you had gotten lonely out there in Ghana. So we emailed back and forth a little. You told me how you got to bathe with a bucket.
I remember the day very clearly. I remember looking at my phone incredulously and then feeling like I needed to be very careful with this. I knew you were on your mission. I knew it. Yet a phone message blinked on my phone from you asking me if this was still my number.
I thought maybe your older brother had gotten a hold of you phone and was enjoying the reactions of people. You would do that and I had never met your brother so I thought he might too.
It took you quite a while to convince me but I finally understood. After about six weeks in Ghana you were home because of medical issues. You always said I was very straight forward about the whole thing. Maybe I was a little rude asking you exactly why you were home right away. But you told me what had happened.
Then we started texting again. It wasn't nearly as much as before, but hey I had a boyfriend.
Warren Miller came. Oh Warren how I love thee. I loved it so much I went totally by myself when everyone else flaked out on me. You were rude enough not to even invite me to sit with you because you were worried about how it would look and how you family would act. I was so frustrated I didn't even say hi. I saw you though. I saw enough to see that you were ok, and reasonably happy. I could live with that.
It seems like every time we start to lose touch with each other somehow fate throws us back into each others' lives. That Christmas you were working on a UPS route. Out of probably hundreds of routes you could have been on, you were on the one that my house was on. Someone must have thought we REALLY needed to stay friends because right there we started talking again and you were coming to USU.
I was so thrilled to have another friend up in Logan, we seemed to pick up right where we left off.

The Story of Us [Part Two]

I liked Fritz. You liked Hayley.
For some reason I decided to be rude and candid and arrogant to you. I'm still not sure why. I think it was because you still intimidated me and I wanted to do everything completely opposite of acting like that. So I said some things I didn't mean. I tried to find your buttons and push them. I was very good at it. Too good at it.
I remember the day you texted me. You stole my number off my employee page and tried to freak me out. You liked pushing my buttons too. I thought it might be you when that strange number texted me. But I didn't want to think you would go that far out of your way for me.
I'm sure I double checked the number with Hayley. She had your number and she texted you a bit. Then you and I began texting. And suddenly we became friends. I became infatuated with you all too quickly.
Even though I found out much later you did actually like me when we were 17, you never admitted it then. Even when you took me out on Valentine's Day. I went rock climbing for you and I was so scared of heights. Then you spilled your teriyaki sauce all over the table at Rumbi and I realized you might have been just as nervous as I was.
I remember the young women retreat I went on. I counted down the hours until I got to go on our date. We went tubing at Soldier Hollow, to dinner at Bajio, and then to Vantage Point. That was the night you told me I was cool but you didn't want to date me.
I told you not to bother walking me to my door. I used to be much more brash than I am now. I responded to the pain of your rejection by trying to be strong and mean to you. More than two years later you would tell me that you had driven away from my house wondering if you had made a mistake.
It may have just been poor timing. For both of us. You were graduating and moving away to Logan. I didn't have things as figured out as I thought I did.
Somehow we stayed friends and coworkers at APX and then at Icon. And then you moved to Logan and I never really thought we would stay friends, as jealous as you made me telling me all about the girls you had kept warm at the outside movie. I remember being so frustrated at you.
I kept busy in PG with a new boyfriend and being a senior. I did visit Logan for a leadership conference, however, and when I did I saw you for a brief moment. You gave me the Warren Miller magazine for that year and then disappeared.
You got your mission call to Ghana and left. And I remember thinking as you turned down my offer for lunch that I would probably never see you again. I thought that would be the end of the story. But it wasn't.

The Story of Us [Part One]

I was 16 and boy crazy. Now that I'm a little older I see all the wasted days sitting on MSN Messenger waiting for some boy I had a crush on to get online so I could IM them...it was the cool thing to do once upon a time. I promise.
Facebook was still new and no one had ever heard of it. I had less than 20 friends and assured my parents how different from Myspace it was. It was June and I felt grown up working at Firstline Security.
I was trying to pull three jobs that summer. I worked most mornings at the PG Library teaching my little class of three year olds and filling up helium balloons for hours on end. I would then go work at Firstline and then on the weekends I was a caterer.
I was also trying to play on a softball team. And that was exactly how I met you. I didn't know many people at Firstline, but I knew my best friend Hayley did. She has this knack for knowing everyone, so I felt pretty safe asking her if she knew anyone to pick up my shift so I could go to my tournament game. She was sitting next to you and she asked you if you would take it. I remember being really embarrassed she had asked you when I was right there because I could tell you were older than me...and I as boy crazy as I was it didn't make me not nervous.
I know you said no...and I remember walking away embarrassed and hoping I would never see you again. But I would see you again. I don't remember if I ever made it to that game. But I remember meeting you and that was what mattered. That was the beginning of the story even though I didn't know it at the time.

Because...

When we drive home from a day of being with your family I want to go home to a place that we can call ours.
I hate goodbyes.
You're good at all the things I'm not.
I know that if I were to wake up and think there were spiders in my bed you would be able to calm me down a lot better than I can on my own.
You tell me I'm beautiful when I don't feel like it at all.
I love your smile.
Being apart is so hard.
I feel like I'm an honorary family member.
You humor me when I want to show you a new band or song I've found.
You make me laugh.
I can't stay mad at you.
You introduced me to Phish Food.
I love you.

Denver, Colorado

Just checked in to my fabulous hotel in the mile high city and checked out of my stressful life.
Ah....vacation. I needed this.
A place mostly unfamiliar....I've been here a few times before....but unfamiliar enough to let me dream again of what life can be.
I can forget for a little while that I put almost $1100 into my car this week.
I can forget my work obligations and just have some me time.
Hey it may only be three days, but this beautiful city is worth it.
Plus the Cardinals are totally going to kick butt tomorrow and I get to be there.
Have a nice weekend, I know I will.

What happens next?

Lately I've found myself asking this question a lot.
Mark didn't get back into USU. Which means that while I will be moving back to Logan come August....he will not.
I have GREAT roommates that will keep me me plenty busy I'm sure....but I was so looking forward to seeing him all the time like we used to. Even if it was just for an hour....
This will not be happening. Not until spring semester at least. This makes me really depressed.
I at least managed to eat super unhealthy today....but when I got the news from Mark yesterday....that was a different story. I had onion rings and a milkshake. If you know anything about me when I'm upset....I crave food. Onion rings being the primary craving. That or Phish food. Which I really wanted but didn't get. I settled for the milkshake. Which was even more unhealthy.
Then I worked a 10 1/2 hour day and pretended like everything was fine. It was. Until I got home and realized that it wasn't.
My eternal optimism got thrown back into my face. It was more logic than anything else. So then I start calming down when I think about it logically.
I organize every little worry into a neat little pile. But while I do that I have to examine it, remember why that was a worry to begin with. Then I forget why I bothered organizing them to begin with.
I try to organize myself into some sort of form that I can manage. I keep getting told I don't have compassion by the customer's at work, because  I won't release them from their contract. My intelligence is questioned. I try not to be rude and the only think that keeps me biting my tongue is the fact that I know I'm smarter than them and I have the power. Give me the weekend. I need a break from these 10 hour days. 
eat sleep work eat sleep work eat sleep work eat sleep work

Home at last...

I moved home Friday....and it feels strange.
This may be because I changed pretty much everything about my room but the color and the furniture which happened faster than I planned.
It is also probably because of my extended work at home status at work....no one knows who I am. It's a little frustrating when they talk down to me like I don't know what I'm doing and I'm like, "Dude...I've worked here longer than you." While the look on their faces is priceless...it's still frustrating.
It's also frustrating because I want to hang out with Mark a lot more than I actually do. I saw him yesterday and today for a few minutes but it's not quite enough. I'm just glad he doesn't work tomorrow so I can finally actually hang out with him.
It seems like I wanted to see him so badly and it's just few and far between. It's better than only seeing each other every two weeks, but still. I'm sure it will work out. After all, it's only the first week of summer right?
I miss my best friends who I haven't seen in I don't know how long. Kait has been in St. George, but is hopefully available soonish, and Hayley apparently has anatomy taking over her life. Which is good for now, because most nights I just want to come home and sleep. I'm still exhausted from school. Still stressed because all the grades haven't come in....and until they do I doubt I'll feel like school is over.

Plans....

I have some grand plans this summer!


1. Redecorating my room....
That's the new comforter set I picked out. My mom was so excited when I told her....and then I showed her and she realized my walls were staying blue....then she was less excited. She hates my blue walls.
2. Glow in the dark chalk!
Yes I know....I'm extremely immature. But this is going to be so much fun. I have some grand plans for this chalk. And I'll have to have Kait involved...since she's a way better artist than I am anyways.

3. Hanging with my friends. Oh man I miss Hayley, Kait, and Jessi....although I hang out with Jessi quite a bit. But I miss all of us together. So I'm excited for this summer and it will be awesome.
4. Warm weather. Can warm weather be a plan? I guess so! I'm just ready to break out my wake board and take to the water. It's not snowboarding, but it will do.

5. San Fran! That's right! You heard it here first my family is hopefully planning on visiting this great city....no dates or anything quite yet. But I guess they're working on it. So keep your fingers crossed.

Ah....Life just got INFINITELY better!

Today....I turned in two very long and very tedious papers. (Which I am now stressing about the grades I got on them....) But they're done. No more historical inaccuracies in Shakespeare's plays.....no more slave revolts and how they relate to Derek Walcott's plays. The papers are done. My stress level...which was seriously the only thing keeping me going....died.
With that I kind of have too. All the hard work is done and I am so ready to just curl up in my bed and sleep until I wake up. No more 7:30 alarms or running up to campus.
I can't do that. I have work both tomorrow and Wednesday at 8 in the morning....yuck. And then finals at 9:30 both Thursday and Friday.
My stress was honestly the last thing keeping me plunking along and now that I know my last two finals are going to be super easy....I've kind of lost all motivation.
Life has gotten better...but I keep looking at this week as hugely long. I so wish I wouldn't have taken home my Ernest Hemingway and Ayn Rand books. Nothing on my bookshelf is really remotely interesting...since they were all textbooks.
And I would rather kill myself than read another one of Shakespeare's plays.

Just Wondering.....

Was anyone but me thinking as I found out Osama bin Laden was dead, that this could potentially be a REALLY bad thing.
You see....Al-Qaida right now, is based out of Pakistan, Pakistan is under suspicion of creating nuclear weapons. They're on friendly terms with Iran....who does have nuclear weapons. A lot of them hate the U.S. Actually the only Middle Eastern country whose citizens are actually going to be happy about his is Saudi Arabia....since bin Laden was actually from there and they don't like him.
I'm not trying to be unpatriotic or anything....I'm just really concerned about the possible backlash this could cause. Al-Qaida is definitely going to want to strike back.

Just sayin.....

Shakespeare is OVER!!!!!
I survived! I survived!
Now to finish the paper and I never have to think about good ol' Bill again.
*Cue excited screaming*

Extended Absence

I always get so angry when my favorite blog stops posting for a long time...and I keep checking back and checking back to see if they've FINALLY updated.
Though I doubt my blog makes the list of anyone's favorite blog....I do feel I at least owe an explanation. You see....I'm in the last 2 weeks of the semester....which means my life is CRAZY.
I am literally surviving on Diet Coke with Lime and leftover Easter candy.
I wrote an entire 8 page paper last night and still have another one to go...plus finishing my already 15 page thematic teaching unit.
Life is crazy.
So this blog post is short. And I do not plan to return until at least after Monday...when I turn in my papers and my life gets infinitely better.

3 weeks

You know what this means?
In three weeks I will be rid of:
Dr. Jensen....the bane of my existence.
Derek Walcott....too confusing.
Working from home.
Twin sized beds.
People making questionable noises in the apartment above mine.
Shakespeare.
Riding the shuttle to campus.
Going grocery shopping.
Among other things....for 4 glorious months. I love being out of school. Hello summer!

Economy Size Pack of Halls

Sometimes I just know paying the extra $1.50 was the right choice.
My bag of Halls is by best friend right now.

Day Off....

I called in sick today. After practicing for Shakespeare class.
I intended to be productive. But then I just ended up on the couch for five hours watching "Being Human"....it was probably only good because I feel like a truck hit me.
Then I drove through a nice snowstorm to secure myself some food. I'm not cooking when I feel like this.
One ear is completely plugged up.
I hope tomorrow this stupid sickness is more manageable.

Sick.....

Woke up with a sore throat yesterday. Didn't really feel sick.
Woke up with an even sorer throat today. I actually feel definitely sick.
Problem. Can't go to the store to buy anything until after 7.
This means 6 hours of work I had to survive...and were supposed to be over 5 minutes ago.
This customer is STILL on hold while Ron tries to figure out who offered the customer a lower agreement length. Good thing this customer is patient.
I need drugs.

Where She Went by Gayle Forman

Every once in a while a book comes along that inspires me. It reminds me of why I want to write. Why I am trapped for three hours a week in Shakespeare class. This book was one of those books. (Just a note....if you have a real problem with the F-bomb....this book uses it pretty liberally) The writing style is elegant and you feel your way through the story. I'll admit I bought this thing at the USU Bookstore this morning....as it came out today....and finished it somewhere in my third class of the day. I pretty much didn't ever put it down.
This book is a sequel to If I Stay, which is another book that moved me. Mia loses her entire family in a devastating car accident and then must make the decision on whether or not to stay and live out her life. I remember trying really hard not to cry as I read that book, because I was sitting on an airplane and I understood how she felt in trying to decide other aspects of her life and possibly facing a long distance relationship. I was at that point too. So the book touched me and I cry every time I read it.
Where She Went comes from the perspective of Adam, Mia's boyfriend from If I Stay. The story takes place three years after the accident and you get bits and pieces from the past woven in expertly with the present. Adam's pain is brutal and raw. That's what I love about this book, is that you are able to feel the book rather than just reading the story. And when you get to the last page you feel as though you finally get the closure If I Stay lacked.
I loved this book. It was probably one of the best books I've read in a very long time. It might not inspire you the same way, but it inspired me. It makes me think and it moved me. I think all good books should move you. That is what I aim to do.

Wow....

I should stop getting on Facebook. Because then I wouldn't discover yet another one of my friends is engaged. I feel old.

The moment....

I feel like sometimes I should be at the moment where I just know. You know the big moment everyone talks about? Well I'm not there yet. Some days I wish I was though.
I keep having small moments where I know. Not big ones. But I know that a piece of me is missing here in Logan. A big one.
It's not big enough that it's stopped me in my tracks. But it's big enough. I forgot what distance felt like. How could I have forgotten what this feels like? This frustration of wanting to share and talk to and be with someone...but not really being able to. Not for three weeks.
Which in comparison to the two years I faced once doesn't seem like such a big deal. I keep trying to tell myself that. And yet I'm still in that pathetically weak state where I don't want to do anything. Where I just want work to be over so that I can curl up in my bed and watch a movie. Maybe eat some Phish Food while I'm at it.
But that's no good. I'm trying to eat healthier. My sore muscles keep reminding me that I shouldn't undo all the hard work I put in skiing on Saturday.
And the conversation with my parents that still weighs on my mind like a ton of bricks. Sometimes there's just no quick fix to things. Sometimes they just don't understand.
I will not be Desdemona. But I will also not be Cathy. Can I just be Elizabeth and get Mr. Darcy?

Giving Up

I have a really hard time when people break up. Whether its on tv or in real life I just hate change. So tonight when I heard very clearly my roommate and her fiancée breaking up, I felt awful and very awkward. I didn't know if I should say something or what when I knew she was crying in her room. So I took in the only remedy I knew of to fix a broken heart. I knocked at her door and when she opened I said, "I have horribly fattening food. You need it." She didn't argue at all and I felt like for once I may have actually said the right thing.

Friend Purging....

I think the whole "Friend Purging" thing on Facebook is utterly ridiculous. Why is it that you want to spend hours upon hours unfriending people? Does it really matter how many people you're friends with on Facebook? No.
I just realized I was unfriended by someone...and then I realized I didn't care...because I didn't like that person anyways. Again....not really seeing a point to the friend purge.

This is what happens when you make us read a poem about boobs.

So today in British Literary History Dr. Cooper-Rompato split us into groups and made us read and report to the class on Robert Herrick's, "Upon the Nipples of Julia's Breasts". This is apparently classical literature. And while I try not to question Dr. CR's judgment I feel that maybe the boys in the class and myself are not mature enough to handle this material. In fact, all the poems we read today were about sex and this poor Julia character that has been forever immortalized as a skank through Herrick's poetry.
Unfortunately, the assignment was to read the poem to the class and explain it to them. If you actually read this poem Herrick is in no way unsubtle in his attempt at describing this woman. I mean the title is blunt enough. So then when my group got up to share what the poem was about....we had to somehow make it about the iambic tetrameter and the rhyming couplets...and not about what the boys in the back of the class were sniggering about.
The actual laughter from the class comes with Andrew Marvelle's poem, "To His Coy Mistress". This poem is about carpe diem and you're only young once...so the narrator is trying to convince the girl to sleep with him. Somewhere in the poem vegetables are mentioned. I admit this was confusing...but then a boy in my class put it very beautifully, "I ask you, what on earth is sexier than a cucumber?" This remark pretty much alleviated the tension in the class...but I still find myself missing Donne's poetry....a flea is a lot less blunt.

Nursery

My mother is in the Primary Presidency of our ward. So when I go home it is not uncommon for her to ask me to either teach a class or help with sharing time or something.
Well this past weekend my mother asked me to go help out in nursery. This is probably the best calling. Ever.
First the kids watched a video about what the creation. I even enjoyed this video...it played awesome music while showing animals and fish. It was entertaining.
Then we got to do a lesson...which I don't actually remember anything about because I was too busy watching this little boy try to put the moves on the only girl in nursery. He kept scooting close to her and putting his face right next to hers. Then I moved him over by me so he just tried to make a break for it. It was quite funny.
We all went on a walk...and the little kids get to choose an animal loop and we basically keep them on a leash while we go on the walk. Little lover boy from before turned out to be a bit of a handful. He kept letting go of his animal and trying to play with other things around the church. Eventually he just told me to carry him and I did.
Finally it was time to play with toys. This is where the real hilarity ensues. Little Quaid decided to play with a toy camera. It was one of the kind that if you pushed the picture button a picture inside the camera changed. He didn't realize this until I told him to look in the little hole. He tried to look at it with both eyes...which was funny, but eventually exclaimed, "There's a bird in there! How do we get it out?" He was extremely concerned for about ten minutes over the bird inside the camera. I about fell off my chair laughing.
I think that if my mom sticks me in nursery each week I might actually go home.

I'm still here....

I haven't updated in over 2 weeks. Not because I've forgotten....just because I haven't written anything I felt needed to be posted.
Spring break got thrown in the mix and I don't think I touched my computer for four days in a row. That happens when you have an iPod. So let's blame that shall we?
I feel like time is just flying past me. Is it already Thursday? Wow. I just got back up here on Sunday and it feels like it was yesterday.
Time just keeps slipping through my fingers. It blows my mind. I feel a little out of control. Like how I feel when I bomb it down a run really fast on my snowboard. There's a thrill in that, but also a paranoia....because at that speed crashing really hurts. I feel kind of like time is barreling me that fast through it...and there is the thrill...but the paranoia that I'm missing things.
Sometimes I feel like I'm in a dream state and that when I wake up I only remember a few of the things that happened. I don't know how to slow time down, stop the clock and catch my breath.
Each week seems to go by at a break neck speed....and I arrive at the weekend, only to speed up trying to get things done.
A good friend of mine once said, "Time stops for no one." Maybe at some point it will slow down a little bit so I can really enjoy the moments that I feel are passing me by.

Just In Case

You were in need of a good cry today....I didn't think I was, but once I started reading this blog I couldn't stop. You should stop here....and maybe donate a little too.

Right

I miss being right all the time. Or at least the confidence I used to have that I was always right. Right so often that when I finally was wrong...I had to sign a sheet of paper to show it was genuine. Maybe you could call that stubbornness....
I just feel like I used to be the no nonsense girl that was cutthroat when she needed to be and didn't take any prisoners.
Like when I told my principal off....Or when I wrote a very frank email.....
I think I know the day it changed. I think it stemmed from words from a very angry man who never apologized to me...just my mother, and crying the in Mr. Weishar's office to get the administration off my back. I think it came from dealing with people and being left out.
I think those were the times I had to grow up.
As Shakespeare might put it....the shrew has been tamed.
Maybe this realization that I don't really know anything comes from growing up. From understanding that my parents just improvised and were just are just as scared as I am about growing up and getting older.
Because just when I thought I had things figured out something comes along and opens my eyes a little wider. I realized all I could have and that life just wouldn't work without it.
I am so confused.
Times like this make me miss the days when I was always right.

3 Years Ago....

Three years ago yesterday I was on my very first date with a boy named Mark. He took me rock climbing and then out to dinner at Rumbi. He spilled his Teriyaki sauce ALL over the table. I still remember the outfit that I wore to school that day and that I had curled my hair. I met him at the Quarry and I was enormously afraid of heights.
Three years....a few boyfriends and a lot of growing up later I sat in Rumbi with that very same boy. He didn't spill his Teriyaki....but I left my fork in my mouth on accident (I know...I'm still trying to figure this one out too). I hope your Valentines day was as amazing as mine!

I like Rockwell Kent

"Is it mere chance that the forms and humors of nature appear as symbols of the moods, experiences and desires of the human spirit? The unbroken pathways of the wilderness are reminders of the hard and solitary way that ardent souls must travel. The glittering, virgin whiteness of high mountain-fields of snow, untrodden, maybe unattainable, their mist-veiled beauty neither earth nor cloud, remote serene and passionless, picture the spirit's aspiration. Can it have been the fervid imagination of man that has endowed these mountains with an aura of symbolism? Rather is it the reality of mountains and plains, the sea and the unfathomable heavens, unchangingly forever dominating man, cradling him in that remote hour of his awakening into consciousness, forever smiling, brooding, thundering upon him, that have imposed their nature upon man and made him what he is." - Rockwell Kent

Perfection

Perfection feels warm despite the falling snow around you.

Perfections sounds like First Day of My Life by Bright Eyes playing on the car stereo.

Perfection looks like dancing in a deserted parking lot in the lamplight at 11:45 p.m.

This was my Monday night.

Lately....

Ok so this post is more than just LONG overdue....I mean heck I turned 20 almost three weeks ago! And what a wonderful birthday it was!
I woke up to noises I won't try to describe coming from the girl whose bedroom is above mine...I'll let you do the thinking there. It usually bothers me, but it was my birthday!
I went to my first days of Tuesday/Thursday classes...which consisted of Young Adult Literature, Shakespeare, and World Writers (aka Derek Walcott).
Then I didn't have work so I got to come home and use my panini maker for the first time. I was very excited. Then Mark came over and gave me his birthday present. That's write it is now on record for the world to see....Mark made me a quilt (This is where you all say AW in unison).

I've been told he had a little help from his sisters picking out the fabric, but besides that this was all him. I love it.

Then what English major's life would be complete without the Complete Short Stories of Earnest Hemingway? Definitely not mine!

My parents also got me the Sara Barielles' cd Kaleidoscope Heart, which is fantastic. I got some cute new black heels an iTunes gift card, and last of all my favorite game....Bananagrams! Yes, the game does come in a banana shaped pouch. That's the best part.



My wonderful parents came up to visit me, which was so much fun! We all went out to eat at Firehouse Pizza...after my parents got a little lost trying to find it.
All in all it's pretty good to be 20. So lately I've just been trying to survive all my homework and work and tomorrow I have my first USASA snowboard competition! A post about that to follow!

Yeah Yeah Yeah....

Yes I know I haven't blogged much for the better part of a month now. But can you blame me? I actually wanted a vacation...and then school started back up and I was dealing with some issues that seemed a little more important at the time than blogging....
Just so you know I have new roommates. Yup, Taylor, Mykelle, and Alicia all left me. Which kind of sucked...but that's alright because I've got the big room in the back now where it is much more quiet.
So we get some introductions: Kate who took over Taylor's room is incredibly like Taylor...which is a good thing because I really liked Taylor. She's really nice and we get along really well. She's a clean freak (her words...not mine) and I love that. Our house always smells nice and is clean...she even scrubbed the walls the other night. I was in awe.
Demi on the other hand is pretty quiet. She's super friendly, but mostly keeps to herself. Her boyfriend Riley is over a lot, or she is at his house. So we don't see her too often. She's a freshman and just graduated from high school last spring.
That's it. There's just three of us, which I'm totally fine with. Although someone was in our house today and we have no idea who, they moved some mattresses out of the spare room as well as a door. So we're not sure if someone is moving in or not. Cue Twilight Zone music....dododododododo......

Ayn Rand

“In a play I wrote in my early thirties, Ideal, the heroine, a screen star, speaks for me when she says: ‘I want to see, real, living, and in the hours of my own days, that glory I create as an illusion. I want it real. I want to know that there is someone, somewhere, who wants it, too. Or else what is the use of seeing it, and working, and burning oneself for an impossible vision? A spirit, too, needs fuel. It can run dry.’